An X-Rated Tour Of London

Published . By Kay Field.

You wouldn't know it from the regal landmarks and dreary commuters, but this city has a whole world of carnal antics and raunchy pastimes hidden right under your nose. You just need to know where to look. Whether you're after some fun hen do activities or fancy taking a peek into the capital's slinkier side, check out our X-rated tour of London's most salacious historical spots and risqué events.

See: A Victorian Chastity Belt

Where: Wellcome Collection, Euston

What's Up: Before the time of clingy drunk friends and granny pants, these cock-blocking tools were all the rage to stop women having sex. Take a look back at the good ol' days of patriarchal supremacy with this iron chastity belt at the Wellcome Collection, made à la mode with floral detailing and a hefty lock.

Wellcome Collection

Be sure to check out some of the other fun displays.

Do: Sip On Tequila In A Sex Shop

Where: La Bodega Negra, Soho

What's Up: This Mexican taqueria and speakeasy is located in the city's most sordid and raunchy area. That is if you can find it. Concealed behind sex shop frontage, La Bodega Negra is serving up potent tequila cocktails, lip-smacking tostadas and sultry interiors, making it a top spot for those of you looking for a great night out.

La Bodega Negra

Take a left after the XXL condoms and blow-up dolls to find this gem.

See: Regal 'Pleasure Palace' Remains

Where: Greenwich Park

What's Up: Nestled within the gorgeous Greenwich Park, this sunken bath is all that remains of Montague House, the former home of Queen Caroline. The notorious estranged wife of King George IV made quite the name for herself, with boisterous sex parties and numerous lovers before she left for Europe in 1814.

Queen Caroline Sunken Bath

This cheeky little relic is a token of the royal's kinky activities in London. 

Do: Easels Ready For Brushstrokes and Nudes Sip & Paint

Where: Dalston

What's Up: Brushstrokes and Nudes Sip & Paint is a fantastic sexy activity in London. Simply rally the gang and head over to this art-based event where you'll spend your time painting and gawping at a buff nude model as he poses for you. Oh, and did we mention it's BYOB?

Brushstrokes and Nudes

Let out your inner Van Gogh whilst staring at hot bods.

See: Saucy Victorian Love Letters

Where: St Marylebone Parish Church, Marylebone

What's Up: 573 passion-filled letters, a forbidden marriage, a secret Italian elopement... no, this is not the premise of E.L. James' next novel but the real-life love story of poets Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett. Take a trip to St Marylebone Church, the site of their hush-hush nuptials, and read some of the naughty notes for yourself. 

St Marylebone Parish Church

Trade in 50 Shades of Grey for some of these spicy passages.

Do: A Racy High Tea & Tease Cabaret

Where: Cellar Door, Aldwych 

What's Up: In need of a refuel? High Tea & Tease Cabaret are putting a scandalous spin on the quintessentially British afternoon feast. Tuck into cupcakes and bubbles whilst watching a number of sexy burlesque performances and black magic that's sure to leave you hot under the collar. 

High Tea & Tease

This has got to be one of the quirkiest things to do in London.

See: A Deity's Dong

Where: The Petrie Museum, Bloomsbury

What's Up: Cop a load of the Egyptian god of fertility's todger with a trip to The Petrie Museum, UCL's on-site museum. The impressive item in question is showcased alongside a whopping 80,000 other objects for the culture vultures amongst you. Fun fact: it was also said that he used long-leaf lettuce to stimulate his sex drive.

The Petrie Museum

Believe it or not, this is a classic portrayal of the divinity.

Do: An Explicit Sex, Drugs, Sausage Roll Tour 

Where: London Bridge

What's Up: Not in the mood to plan your own randy outing? Let Sex, Drugs, Sausage Roll Tours do the hard work for you. The hilarious filth-fuelled trip will see you learning about the origins of the F word, the invention of the vibrator and tales of failed executions.

Sex Drugs Sausage Roll Tours

Smutty, lewd and raucous... where do we sign up?

Do: Discover Yourself At Unforbidden: Sensual Supper Club

Where: Spitalfields 

What's Up: End your day on a high with a raunchy Japanese-inspired dining experience at Unforbidden: Sensual Supper Club. Throughout the evening you'll be invited to explore your sexuality and spirituality during a hot and heavy three-course meal. 

Unforbidden

Sexy things to do in London? Yeah, this one's up there.

See: The World's Longest-Standing Erect Penis

Where: The Viktor Wynd Museum of Curiosities, Hackney

What's Up: Yep, you read that right. The seven-inch mummified remain - the result of air loss to the brain via hanging in the 18th century - stands to attention in The Viktor Wynd Museum of Curiosities, amongst a range of other bizarre artefacts.

The Viktor Wynd Museum

 What's the story morning glory?

On the hunt for more hot things to do in London? Check out our pick of sex positive events here.